tequila makes me forget i have legs
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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