I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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