I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize