tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
she told me i tasted like america
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
