So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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