My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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