This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
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