I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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