After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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