Where are you?
In a non slutty way
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
babies were throwing up all over the place
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
