I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
