im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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