I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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