im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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