Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
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