It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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