My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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