We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
