i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Drunk walkin through police station. America
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
