Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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