this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I want to be your penis for a week.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Randomize