he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
