Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
