Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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