don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Randomize