I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
