I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
