I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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