My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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