He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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