I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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