I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
