first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Randomize
