I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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