Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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