WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize