I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
