During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
