please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
