I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
The best revenge is premature balding
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
