Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
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