You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
grandma shit on top of the toilet
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
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