I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
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