I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
