T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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