i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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