I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Randomize