he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize