Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
