omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
