Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
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