Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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