I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
