Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
