That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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