There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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