You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
