You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
