How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
These tits shall not be calmed
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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