theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
