he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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