I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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